Godzone Welcomes World-Famous Diarrhea Chain

Amongst end-of-days fires, end-of-democracy presidencies and end-of-capitalism business machinations, our oor journalists are having a hell of a time finding enough mental bleach in the form of Quirky News Bits to get you through the day without shooting yourself (and even that’s getting harder, thanks Jacinda!) So thank God for the arrival of famed diarrhea merchant, Taco Bell to Aotearoa.

Like the white man making landfall in this country, the move has been met with excited curiosity instead of the more appropriate fear for its effects on our citizens’ health and inevitable lowering of life expectancy. This press release-posing-as-an-article quotes Taco Bell NZ’s general manager describing the brand as "culture-centric" and “trendy on social media”. Describing Taco bell as “culture-centric” would be like describing Charles Manson a likable rock music enthusiast.

The American slop delivery franchise has arguably done more damage to Mexico’s brand than Carlos Mencia. It’s global notoriety has primarily been as a faster-acting laxative than Metamucil. It is “trendy on social media” for the simple, repeated refrain that Taco Bell will make you shit your pants. The reason it still exists in offline modern society is twofold. First, the chain’s ability to create a foodstuff being approximately fit for human consumption at absurdly low prices. Second, the ever-lowering living standards the middle class are willing to accept in the West.

Taco Bell’s arrival to New Zealand has failed on the first count, its menu items are too expensive for its reputation as a cutprice colon cleanser. The difficulty for the Bell entering NZ is we have communist barriers the Americans simply don’t have to contend with. Food regulation standards that are occasionally enforced. A minimum hourly wage higher than one Cali Burrito Combo. But those crafty taco stuffers might have stumbled onto a God-tier business ploy to entice us to forsake the Colonel, the Clown and Satan’s-Overpriced-Pizzas. They are serving us booze.

Equipping the fast food buyers of New Zealand with beers and margaritas at a fast food restaurant's point-of-sale will unlock a segment of consumers heretofore restrained by going to SEPARATE vendors for their chicken nuggets and Steinekens. Like arming disenfranchised Middle Eastern citizens with social media, I anticipate a revolution of pissed quesadilla munchers taking to the streets on the scale of the Arab Spring.

It’s a bold move, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.